My first real conference call

Two things about Hollywood - It's easy to critique it when I'm in Chicago, Illinois and pretend I can make a difference. The truth of the matter is I'm more qualified than fucking most to know about hollywood, and I don't know shit. Case in point - today was my first real conference call between two legit properties (One which will be revealed in Variety next week) and a real distibution company that was looking for real A list talent (AND FUCK THIS HAD IT)!!!!!!!!

Needless to say I woke up at 8 AM despite the con call being at 4:30 my time. I did writing on my super secret script which is quickly becoming people are calling me and asking me if I indeed wrote it (Which I did) and worrying someone's gonna steal it. But not this deal baby, I brokered it with all my producing skills (Three fucking emails, a beer, and a phone call) and then I made some lunch, and fucking sat around all day, dreaming of my finders fee since it has a pretty high fucking budget.

The con call comes around and I check in first (naturally) a whole 2 minutes early. I sit listening to shitty easy flow music while staring at my dick, saying, 'Look alive baby!' thinking, shit if my dick cant even get a grip on itself what the fuck am I supposed to do? And six minutes later everyone was on the con call. They began the slow seductive baptism into the fucking hollywood fire I like to call 'NEGOTIATION'.

First thing the guy said is we don't deal with liquid equity. Which is a smart way of describing a particular investment I do not know what the fuck about. Thirty seconds in, and I'm playing in the world series when I should be stuck in teeball. For the next 12 minute I listened to the most impressive deal breaking memorandum I've ever heard in my life. I'm pretty sure atomic molecules were murdered interacting with that blood bath. He agreed to send the package to him and they'd talk again in six weeks. You know what I said the entire conversation?

Hey (Blank) this is (Blank) with (BLANK) Project.

Then i shut the fuck up.


Ohhh that baptism burns hot. 13 minutes to learn I'm not even remotely shaped to deal with Hollywood. I called my friend at CAA who works as someone's assistant and he laughed at me, saying, shit man, I had 3 phone calls like that today. Probably why he'll be successful and I won't.

13 minutes and my entire existence, my sphere of understanding was so completely flipped around if cops would come interrogate me I might confess to terrorist activity. Why? Because much like me, they have no idea what the fuck they're doing. (The terrorists, not the producers).

Look - the first thing in rehab is to admit you don't know how to solve your problem. But you can't do that in hollywood. I can't set up a meeting and say 'geez I really don't know what the fuck I'm doing, please fuck me in the ass'. They probably will, and I'll probably end up paying. Literally and figurtively.

Maybe thats the lesson in hollywood. Don't get fucked in the ass. What, Koepp's REWRITING my SCRIPT? Ah shit I've just been fucked in the ass? What you verbally promised me a co=producer spot but you gave me ASSOCIATE PRODUCER because its CHEAPER? I've just been fucked in the ass? What International Star didn't like how the dog died in the end of the movie? But you told me fucking kill BENJI! And so on and so forth.

Is this not making sense?

Welcome to FUCKING HOLLYWOOD. Now don't get fucked in the ass.